What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
