the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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