last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
