the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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