we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
