If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
