i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
