Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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