my mouth tastes like poor choices
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
