She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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