I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
