Please, let me fuck your mom
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
