Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
