if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Mom said you looked used
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
