i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
