Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
