She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
