um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
