i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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