Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
