You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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