btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
