You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
