She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
