Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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