Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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