Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
