my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize