I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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