i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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