what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
