I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
