she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have tasted many bathrooms
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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