I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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