Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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