I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
