I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
