ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
