You're earring is so big in my mouth
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
