if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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