Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
