is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize