woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
