Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
