so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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