Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
