She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
