Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
