You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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