Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize