in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
