Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
