I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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