his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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