i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize