Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
