he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
