Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
