can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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