The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
